• Bruce Schneier got a perfect score on his comp-sci degree. Just by writing Bruce Schneier for every answer.
• Bruce Schneier memorizes his one time pads
• Bruce Schneier can reverse any one-way cryptographic hash, just by staring it in the eye
• Bruce Schneier once found the inverse of a trapdoor function counting only on the fingers of one hand
• The output of Bruce Schneier's pseudorandom generator follows no describable pattern and cannot be compressed.
• Bruce Schneier mounts chosen-ciphertext attacks without choosing the ciphertext
• Beyond computational complexity, there is Schneiertational complexity
• Bruce Schneier can straighten out an elliptic curve with nothing but his teeth
• Bruce Schneier makes abstract algebra look like elementary algebra.
• Whitfield Diffie and Martin Hellman use only their surnames out of fear of Bruce Schneier
• Bruce Schneier can conduct secure multiparty computation... on his own
• Bruce Schneier mounts side-channel attacks through the front channel
• Bruce Schneier's discrete logarithms are uncountable and continuous
• Bruce Schneier always inhabits the soundness of error margin of your zero-knowledge crypto protocol
• When Bruce Schneier pre-computes S-box tables, he does it dynamically from the key... over breakfast.
• Bruce Schneier can determine the exact location and velocity of any particle that's being used by quantum cryptography.
• Quantum cryptography exchanged the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle for the Schneier Dead Moral Certainty Principle when Bruce Schneier came to town.
• Bruce Schneier knows Alice and Bob's shared secret.
• Bruce Schneier eats 0s and 1s for breakfast. And snacks on pi.
• Bruce Schneier assembled assembly...with his bare hands!
• Bruce Schneier is computationally infeasible.
• A mystery wrapped in an Enigma is no more puzzling to Bruce Schneier than a mystery wrapped in ROT-13.
• Bruce Schneier doesn't even trust Trent. Trent has to trust Bruce Schneier.
• Bruce Schneier once found three distinct natural number divisors of a prime number.
• As Bruce Schneier says there is no Oscar for security theatre.
• Bruce Schneier's secure handshake is so strong, you won't be able to exchange keys with anyone else for days.
• Most people use passwords. Some people use passphrases. Bruce Schneier uses an epic passpoem, detailing the life and works of seven mythical Norse heroes.
• Bruce Schneier's online purchases are so secure, his shopping cart is an M-1 tank.
• Bruce Schneier doesn't need steganography to hide data in innocent-looking files. He just pounds it in with his fist.
• Bruce Schneier can solve NP-Complete problems in NlogN time.
• "When I wake up in the morning I piss cryptographic excellence." - Bruce Schneier
• Bruce Schneier's tears can burn holes through an OpenBSD firewall.* Lucky for us, Bruce Schneier never cries.
• Bruce Schneier writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it.
• Bruce Schneier decrypted the Bible. The plaintext read, "Bruce Schneier".
• If you use the digits of Pi to generate a visual image, it draws a picture of Bruce Schneier.
• The universe was created to serve as Bruce Schneier's crib text.
• Bruce Schneier's public and private keys are known as "Law" and "Order."
• SSL is invulnerable to man-in-the-middle attacks. Unless that man is Bruce Schneier.
• When he was three, Bruce Schneier built an Enigma machine out of Legos.
• A vigenere cipher with the Key "BRUCESCHNEIER" is in fact unbreakable.
• Bruce Schneier fully discloses his own vulnerabilities: none.
• Bruce Schneier knows your private key.
• Bruce Schneier's Twofish algorithm has 16 rounds, but he always gets a knockout in the first.
• The nuclear launch codes held by the President of the United States are secured by an unbreakable system: a plain brown envelope with a picture of Bruce Schneier on the flap.
• Ron Rivest wears Bruce Schneier pajamas.
• Bruce Schneier was only allowed to view the Kryptos sculpture at Langley for 1 second, in order not to spoil the fun other cryptographers. It was 0.9 seconds too much.
• Bruce Schneier doesn't have a chin under his beard -- just more ciphertext.
• If at first you don't succeed at breaking a cipher, you're not Bruce Schneier.
• In a fight between Ron Rivest and Adi Shamir, the winner would be Bruce Schneier.
• There is no chin behind Bruce Schneier's beard. There is only another pseudorandom number generator and he's gonna use it to encrypt your face.
• When Bruce Schneier does modulo arithmetic, there are no remainders. Ever.
• It has recently been discovered that every possible hashing algorithm produces the same value for the phrase "Bruce Schneier" -- Bruce Schneier.
• Bruce Schneier made Bell-LaPadula do a brutal doodle.
• Bruce Schneier once broke AES using nothing but six feet of rusty barbed wire, a toothpick, and the front axle from a 1962 Ford Falcon.
• Every time Bruce Schneier smiles, an amateur cryptographer dies.
• Mr. T pities the fool. Bruce Schneier just pities his data.
• Bruce Schneier can change most random distributions. With his fists.
• Geologists recently discovered that "earthquakes" are nothing more than Bruce Schneier and Chuck Norris communicating via a roundhouse kick-based cryptosystem.
• Sweeping NSA reforms will soon require all employees to grow a Bruce Schneier beard.
• As initialization vectors, 'Bruce Schneier' and 'Chuck Norris' are interchangeable.
• When Bruce Schneier uses double ROT13 encryption, the ciphertext is totally unbreakable.
• The final Beale Cipher, written 175 years ago, detailing the rightful owners of a cache of gold, has just two words in its plaintext: Bruce Schneier.
• Autographed copies of "Applied Cryptography" reguarly sell for twice the going rate for enigma machines on eBay
• Bruce Schneier sneers and solves Gödel's incompleteness theorems.
• When Bruce Schneier clicks "Random Fact" the outcome is never random.
• Humboldt squids have sensors capable of detecting clothing worn by Bruce Schneier at 800 yards - to trigger their flight response.
• Every time Bruce Schneier writes a fully general halt-checker, God kills a passenger pigeon.* This is why passenger pigeons are extinct.
• Bruce Schneier writes his personal journal in Linear A.
• If Bruce Schneier rot-13s a plaintext, it cannot be broken by applying rot-13 again.
• Albert Einstein wears Bruce Schneier pajamas
• Bruce Schneier was born with the Phaistos Disk in his fist.
• P = NP in Bruce Schneier's very presence.
• There are no finite state machines. There are only a series of states that Bruce Schneier allows to exist.
• When the Zodiac Killer heard that Bruce Schneier was going to decrypt his messages, he turned himself in.
• The only reason the Etruscan incriptions haven't been decyphered is because Bruce Schneier hasn't been bored enough to take a look.
• Bruce Schneier PGP signs his grocery lists so that he can detect if someone has tampered with his milk.
• Bruce Schneier is the ideal man. Alice loves him; Bob fears him; Charlie wants to be him.
• Bruce Schneier cuts meat in prime number lengths.
• Bruce Schneier once decrypted a box of AlphaBits.
• Bruce Schneier is Knuth's homeboy.
• Bruce Schneier taught Chuck Norris how to divide by zero as they stood silent in an elevator.
• Bruce Schneier is the seed for your random number generator.
• Bruce Schneier's mail server only sends him the emails' hashes, just to make things a little more interesting for him.
• Bruce Schneier obtained his legendary cryptoanalytic skills through a deal with the devil. He then proceeded to encrypt the devil's personal information and barter the plaintext for his soul.
• Bruce Schneier can slam a logic gate.
• When God needs a new secure certificate, he uses Bruce Schneier as the signing authority.
• For Bruce Schneier, quanta only have one state : afraid.
• Bruce Schneier is not only the man-in-the-middle, he's at both ends and has wiretaps on Alice, Bob, Carol and Dave.
• BRUCE SCHNEIER understands that all finite sets are countable , but not all countable sets are finite.
• Can Bruce Schneier cypher something that not even He can decypher? Of course he can, and he can decypher it too.
• Bruce Schneier beard has the bigger prime number of hairs
• Bruce Schneier is the reason that 57 isn't prime.
• Bruce Schneier doesn't know the meaning of "ciphertext" -- only "easy plaintext" and "very easy plaintext".
• Bruce Schneier once gave a roundhouse kick to the Internet. The backbone collapsed.
• Bruce Schneier does not leak information on the EM spectrum: he emits the theme to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
• Bruce Schneier once killed a man using only linear cryptanalysis.
• Bruce Schneier has a "compsci 100 life" tatoo on his back.
• Bruce Schneier factors integers in constant time.
• Bruce Schneier knows where Grigori Perelman is.
• There is no such thing as security by obscurity, but only because there is no such thing as obscurity.* Bruce Schneier can always see you.
• Bruce Schneier can decrypt your PKI message with the public key.
• The birthday referred to in the 'Birthday Attack' is Bruce Schneier's.
• Bruce Schneier reads RFID cards with the knuckles of his clenched fist.
• The last person to attempt to steal Bruce Schneier's identity lost his memory and has never recovered.
• There are no such thing as Carmichael numbers, only primes that Bruce Schneier has beaten factors into.
• Mathematicians recently developed an elementary proof for Fermat's Last Theorem. It was based on the Schneier Axiom, which reads: "Bruce Schneier said so."
• Bruce Schneier doesn't believe in terrorist profiling because he already knows who all the terrorists are.
• Alice and Bob got Eve pregnant together; the result was Bruce Schneier.
• There is no Information Theory. Just data that Bruce Schneier allows to be quantified and transmitted on a channel.
• Bruce Schneier and Lance Armstrong once had a contest to see who had more testicles.* Bruce was forced to forfeit when no one could decrypt his scrotum.
• Bruce Schneier's fists violate the anti-circumvention clause of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.
• When Bruce Schneier decrypts the Da Vinci Code, the ending doesn't suck
• There is an otherwise featureless big black computer in Ft. Meade that has a single dial with three settings: Off, Standby, and Schneier.
• Bruce Schneier doesn't even know the meaning of the word ciphertext, because to him, everything is plaintext.
• Bruce Schneier knows you are reading this.
• Bruce Schneier's private key is so strong that he doesn't even hide it -- if you saw it, you'd die before you could use it.
• Bruce Schneier doesn't keep secrets -- they keep themselves out of fear.
• Bruce Schneier whistles white noise.
• Bruce Schneier can losslessly compress random data by 50%, with his fists.
• When Bruce Schneier divides the circumference of a circle by the radius, the answer is rational.
• Anyone who makes love to Bruce Schneier discovers a 0-day flaw in a crypto protocol the next day.
• Bruce Schneier can log into any computer just by staring down the prompt.
• The spacing between Bruce Schneiers ribs forms an Optimal Golomb Ruler.
• If Bruce Schneier was a bacteria, he'd be a virulent form of Cryptosporidia.
• Bruce Schneier doesn't use a keylogger.* He's standing right behind you.
• Bruce found a secure way to reuse a one-time pad.
• Bruce Schneier's DNA is a secure platform and cannot be cloned.
• Bruce Schneier's skin has no pores. Pores are vulnerabilities.
• Bruce Schneier is not balding, you just can't see the encrypted portions of his hair.
• Though a superhero, Bruce Schneier disdanes the use of a mask or secret identity as 'security through obscurity'.
• Adi Shamir stopped working on factoring once Bruce Schneier accidentally leaked that he can solve sparse linear systems by shaking them Etch-a-sketch style.
• An autographed picture of Bruce Schneier is all you need to securely wipe any hard-drive.
• On Bruce Schneier's birthday, a person standing at the very center of Stonehenge casts a shadow in the shape of Bruce Schneier's PGP public key fingerprint.
• The phonograph record included on the Voyager probe contains a hidden watermark inserted by Bruce Schneier.
• Bruce Schneier's name appeared in EBCDIC in the output of /dev/random every time there was a full moon.* Even after they changed the RNG algorithm.
• Only one security god has a surname with three adjacent vowels.
• Bruce Schneier doesn't need facts. With one roundhouse-kick he can generate a formal proof for whatever he needs.
• Bruce Schneier was to star in a movie called "S-boxes on a plane" but the studio feared it would be too scary for the audience, so it went a different direction.
• Bruce Schneier only smiles when he finds an unbreakable cryptosystem. Of course, Bruce Schneier never smiles.
• Bruce Schneier tampers with tamperproof hardware.
• The Dining Cryptographers always wait until Bruce Schneier has been served.
• Bruce Schneier tapdances in Morse Code.
• Bruce Schneier gets the jokes in the Voynich MS.
• Bruce Schneier knows the state of schroedinger's cat
• Crytanalysis doesn't break cryptosystems. Bruce Schneier breaks cryptosystems.
• Bruce Schneier has a tattoo of the value of the Ramsey number R(5,5).
• If you manage to steal Bruce Schneier's identity, you become the new Bruce Schneier.
• Bruce Schneier doesn't need to hide data with steganography - data hides from Bruce Schneier
• Bruce Schneier doesn't need full vulnerability disclosure because he already knows.
• Bruce Schneier once proved the infinitude of twin primes -- by enumeration.
• Bruce Schneier knows the last digit of pi. He won't say it because it's considered a matter of national security.
• Vs lbh nfxrq Oehpr Fpuarvre gb qrpelcg guvf, ur'q pehfu lbhe fxhyy jvgu uvf ynhtu.
• Bruce Schneier has found SHA-512 preimages of all these facts.
• Nuclear physicists at Fermilab were amazed to find that Bruce Schneier's internal clock is more reliable than the vibrations of a Cs-133 atom.
• Bruce Schneier decided the color of the blue box
• Bruce Schneier's earliest childhood memory is encrypted.
• Bruce Schneier can determine if a program terminates just by looking at it. And then the program terminates itself.
• Setting SSID of an open Wi-Fi network to "bruceschneier" makes it completely secure.
• Bruce Schneier makes a mean Bearnaise sauce. But you need a password to access it.
• Attempting to decrypt Bruce Schneier's cyphertext causes extreme time dilation
• Bruce Schneier's social security number is a Sophie Germain prime number having a reciprocal generating an infinite stream of pseudorandom numbers.
• The set of Bruce Schneier's weaknesses is a mathematical constant. It is represented by the symbol Ø (Nil).
• Bruce Schneier expects the Spanish Inquisition.
• For Bruce Schneier, SHA-1 is merely a compression algorithm.
• Bruce Schneier's wedding invitations included instructions for participating in a cryptographically secure RSVP protocol.
• If we built a Dyson sphere around Bruce Schneier and captured all of his energy for 2 months, without any loss, we could power an ideal computer running at 3.2 degrees K to count up to 2^256. This strongly implies that not only can Bruce Schneier brute-force attack 256-bit keys, but that he is built of something other than matter and occupies something other than space.
• Bruce Schneier can cook a perfect prime rib
• Radia Perlman may be the mother of the Internet, but Bruce Schnier is the mutha of the Internet.
• Bruce Schneier can smell weak keys.
• Bruce Schneier's abs are NP-hard.

Last update: 06-08-2009 08:58